When I am afraid or feel that I am on edge, I leave for the world of fantasy. Closing my eyes, I seem to go out of my body and move as far away from myself as possible, to the place where I feel no pain or fear.
In the middle of March, my wife and I – like many other people – had to begin to live in self-isolation. At that time, the pandemic had not yet overtaken our country, but we already knew what to expect, seeing what was happening in the world. During the first days of self-isolation we did not know what to do: whether we should leave for the far corners of the country, to our relatives or staying in St. Petersburg. The fear of uncertainty – although not visibly – was present with us every day. Waiting for the pandemic wave and thinking if we can survive it were driving us crazy.
Closing my eyes, I felt like my world was soaked with doom. No matter what I was thinking about or how hard I was trying to distract myself, all threads of thought led to death.
I constantly thought that I would not be able to save my beloved, I was afraid to lose her. What can I do if one of us gets sick? I was afraid to lose my faith in God. The time has come for the ordeal.
Realizing that I could no longer bear the pressure of thoughts, I decided to visualize the fears, release them from my inner world and fix them in the photograph. My wife and I turned the space of the room we rent into the place where gloomy thoughts led me to. The room became the stage, and familiar things became the scenery. I let my fears loose.
